Travels thus far

While researching the trip from one city to another I was about to take, I came across numerous blogs about it. So why not add one

The Bus Trip (and more)

I can think of one hell on earth, the bus from Christchurch to Dunedin with the compulsory stop at those dated tearooms in Oamaru. Closely followed by the Dunedin - Invercargill route. I dislike buses and will avoid at all costs. So here is my yarn....

Needing to get from Pakse, Laos to Tha Kheuk up north busing is the only option some 300km away, so 3 hour drive in New Zealand , 3.30 if you stop for a foot long Roasted Garlic Chicken Fillet with double salad. Wanting to go to a cave some German girl said was pretty amazing, I decide to make the trip up north. Good enough reason. You can either VIP bus (clean, air con, more expensive) leaving at 8pm resulting in some early morning hour drop off in my desired location or public bus with the locals that leave during the day. I choose local being the jew that I am. What unfolded is a great tale. It all began catching a tuk tuk to the terminal some 8km away, after failing to haggle down the price I was off. The usual banter from the tuk tuk driver went down, how powerful his motorbike was (hunk of shit to be fair), how cheap my fare was and saying boom boom as we pass a apparently hot Laos girl. Arriving at the terminal which I thought was the wrong place due to it's run down nature and with no buses. A derelict unused petrol station would best describe. A wait of 40min commenced in the 9am 30 degree humid temp on the one bench under a tree. (had missed the 8.40 bus by 10min, error at the time, but better in the long run) Thank god it was shadey. Watched a pencil thin man dig a hole for a new drain. The smoking to digging ratio was about 40:1. Digging with a metal pole wasn't helping his case. Actually doing the digging for him crossed my mind numerous times. Painful to watch. Purchased my ticket from some mystery lady and soon enough the bus arrived. A old Chinese thing, pretty beaten up. A young boy jumped out grabbed my bag, threw it underneath as I stepped on the bus.

The Bus, Looks rather nice here. No idea why?

The driver that we will name Mr Uthai for the sake of the story was a middle aged guy, Jackie Chan style build even with a ninja bandana and a Lao football jersey. A hard case man who yelled 'where you go' to me. The full extent of his English vocabulary. I couldn't even pronounce the place so just got on the bus. Any place was better than here.
The other staff were 2 young boys, bus monkeys. Wispy bro mo's and fake designer t shirts to boot. One collected tickets/money, one helped with baggage. So pretty much doing sweet f all most of the time. Apparently the job is created just so they have one due to high unemployment rates for uneducated youth. I had been warned previously on public buses that you want a window, curtain and be on the side away from sun. As I stroll the isle there no seats due to it being full, then I spot my seat, well more like mattress. The rear on the bus is more like a lounge, big vinyl pad the size of a queen bed. Already with 4 people on it, a crying baby, his parents, some young guy who asked me where I was going, that was the extent of his English (funny that) The back right corner was all mine. Could lie down with the breeze blowing from the open window, had a curtain and shadey. Loving life. Being above the motor meant whenever you aren't moving the rear area becomes an oven.

The lounge

300m down the road and I get my first taste of the oven, then 1km more to fuel up, these buses run such tight margins they need to ticket money to fuel up. The child automatically hates me as I smile at him, great start. I notice another foreigner on the bus, her travel pants; clean white Aaics combo was not to be desired and her non acknowledgment of me lead to the fact she was probably just another euro. The bus has been striped of anything non essential to increase performance, no air con, lights, fittings, carpet, hand rails, nothing. Even rivits from the floor panels are gone allowing the sound similar to a metal fork getting shaken inside a metal pot to echo through the bus everytime movement commenced. Surprised I even have a foam mattress. The anterior old, dirty, probably containing every bacteria species under the sun and the curtains have a similar tone to a muddy towel.

Other seats, so clean you could lick them.

As we drive along for 5min, pick someone up, 5 min drop someone off. She's going to be a long trip. The first real stop of the day saw the bus infested with women from the village some 50km into the trip selling their whole bird on a kebab stick, chicken foetus things, and what looked like normal chicken kebabs, thought I might dabble and got a nod when I pointed and said chicken and for 40c why not. So smart of me thinking rural Laos speak fluent english. These weren't chicken, neither duck, nor geese. Potentially buffalo or dog, who knows. I was hungry so consumed half and feed to the rest out my window. Good riddance.

Bad call, unknown kebabs = fuck up everytime.

The roads here are more lumpy than half assed mashed potato. Being right at the back insured multiple air time achievements, quite the shock when I was dozing off. The expected time was 6 hours to do the sub 300k, it's now 5.10pm as i begin to write and I still have 100k to go. (I left at 9.30am) Deciding to utilize the mattress was a solid idea, no pillow however. The super soft 1004 pages of my Lonely Planet book would have to do. In the future an Oxford English dictionary would go down a treat, heard the softness and paper quality is something else. And as the day wore on the sun shifted. I had been living the life on the shady side all morning but when the sun came through the windows heat got multiplied. A stop to pick up/drop off yet another passenger resulted in sweating in the famous words of Marc Ellis like a rapist. The oven turned thermo nuclear. Movement and air flow through the windows was like the 2nd coming of Christ. A stop further down the track resulted in the loss of shit baby and parents. The oven was now mine and other guys sole possession.
We bonded over some pictures in Lonely Planet then both went down for another nap. Getting the correct curtain adjustment in relation to sun and minimizing constant flapping into face due to breeze was a constant issue and resulted in minimal downtime. An hour lunch break in Savannatek was next to treat me to more joys. Thought it would be over quickly as 10min in the bus started up, but this was just to move around the corner. fml Not being able to speak, read or listen to Laos resulted in me having no idea how long the break would be, In English I ask the baggage monkey, he just laughs. I never strayed far from the bus as the fear of missing it would ruin me. I sit down on some concrete slab covered in flies and ciggies. There were seats at the stalls, but you had to purchase to use. Bus stations here are hot, fumey and have less visual appeal than and empty shoe box. Purchased some duck flavored chips eventually (not bad actually, other option was BBQ crab and I live by a rule never to eat artificial Asian seafood chips, dodgey shit) then sat and watched the world go by, went back to the wee stalls numerous times in the hunt for something normal, wasn't that keen on the fly infested meat and rice. Then with a bang the bus fired up. My fellow ovener had left but 2 more had joined. Yes I got the 'where you go' treatment. 

Me and my boy

10min down the road and you guessed it, a 30min break. Just what I want, more people trying to sell my chick foetus's. Another bus is there also, some friendly western faces laugh as a do a gun to the head action, wouldn't be the last I see of them. We shared a common sense of Lao bus pain. And now I begin to write, bus is moving again and I can't type now due to movement and lumpy road,


The music has started up again I'll explain my thoughts soon.  

Purchase a cheap blender from briscoes ($15.99 number on special of course) add Fleetwood Mac, a high pitched Asian singer, a dash of flute and keyboard, with a pinch of electric guitar and you have Lao pop music. It's torture to begin with but soon soothes the mind as I pass the numerous rice paddies and rubbish filled  ditches (rubbish bins still haven't made it to laos) at times plastic bag and bottle species out number native foliage.

Even got a video here of the noises:  




http://vimeo.com/33062099


Night soon comes around and this allows another characteristic of the bus to come into life. Headlights permanently fixed in high beam. Mr Uthai doesn't care for the on coming flashing lights from scooters as they are blinded. He is a truckie at heart and switches the lights fully off only for trucks and fellow buses using oncoming lights to guide him. This leads to some loose 4wd action as he would often forget to switch them back on for the upcoming corner. Passing anything slower is done at anytime. The oncoming traffic lane is a constant passing lane. 3 abreast is quite common on a narrow 2 lane road. Blind corners are personal favourites especially at night. Got to see my first wing mirror get clipped by a huge truck. It's tight. I like a close pass but this blew me away. I Had faith in Mr Uthai however, he would know this road better than himself. See Mr Uthai still has another 320km to go to Vientiane so 8/9 hours. Making a 18/19 hour day assuming no break downs, any new Zealand driver would have to be p fried or on some other class a narcotic to do this but not Mr Uthai. He is on a diet of malbaro reds and green tea. long days, no health and safety here. I respect him. After another few drop offs I've made it. Alleluia. 7.35pm. (9 hours 35min) I'm greated by a tuk tuk driver with the all to familiar phrase where you go. I get my bag, thank the monkeys and Mr Uthai. I successfully haggle down my fee, point to my travel book and head to the backbackers. (which was full) fml again. Luckily I meet the travelers from the other bus, 4 Danish, 1 British. All can speak english. Bo ya.

We walk off down the dusty muddy street in the hunt for a bed (I end up having the best (edit and worse) few days with this group but thats another story) they had been coming from Pakse as well, leaving on the 8.40am. Guts for them as I arrived 5min after them in Tha Kheuk. Missing that bus was worth it.

Now buses aren't fun for me, but this was the best trip I had been on, so next time you are in the oamaru tearooms drinking your overpriced Primo chocolate milk think of Mr Uthai and the 20 other drivers (yes 20 of these buses do the same route everyday) that are slaving away and treating tourists to the best few dollars they will ever spent. In the famous words of Danish boy Matt, "You couldn't put a price on that", as we walk the street. I'm actually looking forward to the next trip to Vientiane, not sure how it will compare but knowing Laos public transport it's going to treat me.          

The Other story I mentioned:

Boss dog mechanic

As I finish writing this the craziest 4 days have occured. I scooter with the Danes and English girl 350km, good 100km being the roughest dirt track I have personally been on. Pot holes, pot holes, pot holes. Lao roads have the thinnest layer of asphalt, most just become dirt tracks. And only the 13 main highways are sealed. I would be passing 4wd drives with ease on a town scooter on the dirt roads due to the constant dancing and zig zagging across the roads to dodge the crater sized pot holes done by cars. New Zealand roads must be a Lao commuters heaven. All 5 had done minimal to no scootering. Me with my minimal scootering knowledge but cycling skill lead me to tame the Loa roads reasonably well. Breakdowns including tyre exploding, snapping of foot pedals, spark plugs, drivetrain issues and more all very far from any towns lead to good times and laughing laos. Me and a mechanic came pretty tight after a 2 hour session fixing one of the shitters. He looked pretty boss when I gave him my Ray Bans to do some welding.

One of the crashes, not the bad one. Amazing road

Multiple crashes came from the others resulting in hospitalisation for one. A Chinese scooter at 60, dropping from 4th to 1st gear and small following distance from individual behind results in exposed bone any day. Laos being a dirt poor country resulted in an absolute mare trying to find any medical support with 1 hour of light left in the day. 
Somehow god knows how we find a Laos man fluent in English in the middle of no where by flagging down a random car, villagers soon arrive on their Hondas. What happens next is one of those moments. 10km down the road there is a health clinic, this is Laos though, only one young nurse, no medical supplies, ant infested one room clinic. Night has fallen. We scooter there while injured individual gets a ride from Lao man. Waiting as she gets stitched up a Toyota Hilux comes drifting into the clinic on the dusty path. Just thinks its some boy racers (Chch boy, I'm used to that) loaded with people in the rear tray. They all jump out and pick up what looks like a roll of carpet in the darkness. This is no carpet. but a young boy, rugged up, covered in blood. Freshly hit by a car. Great sight.
There is no rules in Laos, no speed limit, no street lights, and the narrow highway is a playground, walkway, highway. 80% of the population are rural so a most live on the highways. I've seen toddlers on a 100km/h zone on the road. Crazy stuff. Shit goes down, all the time. Blood coming out of his head everywhere he is given a IV drip to reduce fluid loss (no idea how they even have that) back in the hilux (no ambulances here) and told to drive 100km to the nearest hospital. I thought I was in Libya or something, huge shock. Turns out the boy more than likely has a brain haemorrage. And we found out he has to get to Bangkok somehow at his parents expense for brain scans, being from a poor farming region it would be safe to say he isn't going to Bangkok.

As we leave the clinic and the nurse locks the door, another Hilux arrives with a very weak old lady, barely able to move.The nurse reluctantly opens the clinic once more. We drive off, shit scared to be driving to our soon to be frog infested guest house in the darkness. Another unnessary night spent in the middle of no where with me down to my last dollars. This was the official welcome to a 3rd world country.

Site of the bad crash, ditched 2 bikes in ditch. Notice how narrow roads are also.

Then I myself get my taste of driving the roads, having to had ditch two scooters 100km from the rental place (which has our passports as insurance) due to the crash the previous night we scooter back to the rental place 100km away the next morning to find we have to pick them up. I get given the keys to a left side drive shitty Kia family wagon. No drivers license required this is Laos, and with me having the most experience had to take the hit for the team and drive. One of the Danes came and the owners son.

(mum don't read this) 20k down the road I soon realize 2 issues one no speedo. And no brakes including handbrake. (maybe a tiny bit of braking, at 50km/h would take 20m to stop) this lead to hair raising shit as trucks infront of me decide to hit the brakes. Became a dab hand at engine breaking. Getting a hands on feel for being pushed off the road, nearly hitting a scooter (cm's in it) and nearly being rear ended by a car passing me as I pass something resulted in hands down the most frightening thing I have ever done. Even the Lao boy let out a few yells. Those that have been to Asia will know what I mean, sure youtube will have some solid vids. I can drive but this is a test. Thrill junkies I can give you the address where to use this vehicle if you wish. Indicators and mirrors are just unnecessary accessories in this country. Again respect goes up for Mr Uthai.

Made it back with a story to tell, park the car on a slope and put a brick under the wheel to stop it rolling back. Pay for the damage (got reimbursed by person who crashed), pretty much a write off, I haggle the owner down just throwing English profanities at her and saying the bike is legit. Her shitty bikes her problem.

Ended up catching to bus again that night, just sleeping pilled it however (10.15pm to 6am) but still some notable things. Had a cock fighting rooster on board, worked as a good alarm clock this morning, caged up thank god. And 60kg rice bags 3 high down the isle in some places and under every seat. The unloading of rice at 2.30am meant an early wake up call and loss of my foot stoll. But rice bags work well, elevated viewing position to look for seats when entering the bus. Red Bus take note. Local buses also serve as a goods transport company.

But yeah great few days, saw a mean cave, learnt about Denmark and yeah visit Laos. (it's actually really nice and the people are even better)

I didn't crash once also, just to clear that up. I brought game.

Excuse any spelling grammar errors, most written tired and on an ipod.